on 06.21.04, at 10:45 pm
|I hate to be a quitter, but I
have to be.
I never wanted to be "that guy."
You know the one.
His calls go unreturned, his text messages left hanging in the ether.
His friends are sick of hearing about it, and outside the fold, he looks, well - pathetic.
That's quickly becoming me.
There's someone whom I love very dearly - to the point of which I feel pain when I think about it.
This terrifies me, since despite being "in love" before, I've never experienced the anguish that love can cause when it's not reciprocated. I used to scoff at others when they'd describe love's depth being "so much it hurts," because I always took it as some colloquialism thrust upon us by romantic flicks and bad writers.
But it does hurt. And it's not something mental, a pang in the brain when a memory stirs.
When I think about him, I feel it, physically.
There's this empty feeling that starts in my throat, and travels down to my chest where it just tugs at me. It's insane, and I'm not sure if I'm upset with him for making me this way, or if I'm upset with myself for allowing these feelings to get the better of me.
Don't jump to conclusions though. No one said I was an innocent victim. If anything - if everything, - I'm the bad guy in the scenario.
This was finding the right feelings too late, nearly half a year after I cast him aside, just because I was scared of what was happening.
This was me expecting that baring my soul, and putting emotions on the line would bring him back to me.
This is how he felt when I callously told him that despite the months we'd spent together, he wasn't what I needed, that we weren't compatible.
This is a fraction of how he felt when I said those things to him, sitting in my living room on a Sunday in January.
This is, in a word, karma. Retribution for treating him like I did, for being sanctimonious when I should have been supportive, and expecting his world, his schedule, his life to revolve around me.
Hindsight is 20/20, and I've got a great set of specs now.
I've never, ever felt this way about another person - bar none - and I don't know how to deal with these emotions. I've never displayed my emotions, or necessarily lived by them, but when there are waves of them crashing down with such force, what do you do?
You pick up, move on, get over it.
That's exactly what I would have said - that's exactly what I have said to so many people - and now it's a bitter pill to swallow.
So I've become "that guy." That person who no one wants to talk to any longer, because first thing out of his mouth will be "Did you see ______ today? Did he say anything about me?" or "So, I don't know what to do about ______."
I wish I could end the story with a Hollywood moment, where the door opens, there's an awkward salutation, immediately followed by a spontaneous, passionate kiss, and a breathless profession of love - but it doesn't really work that way.
Not the second time around.
"You may know what you need but to get what you want, better see that you keep what you have..."
Prodigal Son - 11:03 pm , 11.20.06 So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish - 6:41 pm , 05.29.05 The Beginning of the End - 1:15 pm , 11.22.04 Brand Positioning - 2:13 am , 09.20.04 A Pop Culture Case Study - 9:24 pm , 08.26.04
Prodigal Son - 11:03 pm , 11.20.06
So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish - 6:41 pm , 05.29.05
The Beginning of the End - 1:15 pm , 11.22.04
Brand Positioning - 2:13 am , 09.20.04
A Pop Culture Case Study - 9:24 pm , 08.26.04
Tired of waiting for me to
to know when I do?
Far / Near