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Hey, Girl Scout - You Holdin'?
Written on 03.25.04, at 2:19 pm

dizboy's disturbing daily diet

4 - Grey Goose Gimlets

1 - Stick of Juicy Fruit

1 - Box of Girl Scout Pinatas

Well, everything but the cookies was last night, but after midnight - that counts as today, right?


John Live*

Not a pretty morning, sorry.

*Not at all live...


Let me preface this by saying that:

1) I am aware that I am in no way challenged in the weight department, and

2) I am also very much aware of the caliber of my eating habits.

That said...

I sit here, nearly aghast at the fact that in less than twenty minutes, I have devoured an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one fell swoop.

I know, I can afford it.

I know, many have done worse.

But yet, there they are, one empty box of Girl Scout Piņatas.

I feel that there's no way I could be personally responsible for this, but the dusting of crumbs on my shirt say otherwise.

I remember how it all began...

"What's that?" I said casually to our receptionist, as I was walking out of the office.

"New Girl Scout cookies!" she enthusiastically replied, "Try one."

What could it hurt? I'd so far managed to successfully avoid the cult of cookie-obsessed parents, wandering from cubicle to cubicle, guilting you into purchasing poor Polly's Thin Mints.

I'd weasled my way around staff meetings where authoritative figures attached their own addendums to the agenda, where in they'll reach for a "document," and "Oh look!," Suzy just happened to have left the cookie order form in their briefcase, she's such a sweet girl, shame about that nasty amputation, and should anyone want, nay, feel compelled to, order cookies, they would be happy to take their order.

Hell of a sentence, that was.

Girl Scout cookie drives always seem to happen right around annual employee reviews.

Strange, that.

As I finished the cookie, I was already walking away from my office building, en route to a meeting.

Something came over me, a feeling I'd not felt for, well...at least a year now.

I wanted more.

I sat through the entire subsequent meeting, not taking in any of the words put forth by my peers.

Girl Scouts, and their cookies were the only thing on my mind, and would be until I could get another "fix."

"So that's all set, right?"

Shit, they're all looking at me...

"Yes, yes, we're good to go." I said to the giant, talking Samoa cookie.

I didn't know what I had agreed to, it could have been my lighting myself on fire and singing "Crazy" to accordion accompaniment. It didn't matter, I just had to get back to my office, and the cookie stash.

Rushing back to the office, I compose myself before entering the lobby.

"Say, mighty tasty cookie you gave me - mind if I have another?" I ask, coolly.

"Well, you know, we're actually selling the cookies back at Yoly's cube." she replies.

"Oh, yes?" I was trapped.

"Yeah, she's got tons of cookies, because of her daughter."

"Ah, well, I'll try her then."

I enter our offices, and make my way to Yoly's desk.

"Hey, Yoly, listen...I really need some cookies." I sputter.

"Yes? Well, how much do you want?"

"Three no - four boxes, please..."

"Just four?" She says, eyeing me optimistically. "The cookies usually sell out in a few days, I may not have more if you change your mind."

"Um..." I'm wavering, now. "No, no, just four. I don't think I can take more cookies than that."

And just like that, the transaction was complete.

It's not at all surprising that if you take that scene, and replace "cookie" with "heroin," you could be in the middle of any drug deal in the country...

"Say, mighty tasty HEROIN you gave me - mind if I have another?" I ask, coolly.

"Well, you know, we're actually selling the HEROIN back at Yoly's cube." she replies.

"Oh, yes?" I was trapped.

"Yeah, she's got tons of HEROIN, because of her daughter."

"Ah, well, I'll try her then."

I enter our offices, and make my way to Yoly's desk.

"Hey, Yoly, listen...I really need some HEROIN." I sputter.

"Yes? Well, how much do you want?"

"Three no - four boxes, please..."

"Just four?" She says, eyeing me optimistically. "The HEROIN usually sell out in a few days, I may not have more if you change your mind."

"Um..." I'm wavering, now. "No, no, just four. I don't think I can take more HEROIN than that."

Girl Scout cookie drives build character?

No, Girl Scout cookie drives train a new generation of drug dealers.

Or, Mary Kay reps.

Be well...

-JOHN-


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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