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You Keep Moving On...
Written on 03.21.04, at 6:28 pm

dizboy's disturbing daily diet...

1 Bottle S.Pellegrino

1 Hershey's Chocolate Santa

(hung over)


John Live*

*Not at all live...


So, um...Mexico was amazing.

It was also three months ago, but that's beside the point. I went with Danny, Jason, and Lulu, and we stayed here.

Borrowing (stealing and editing) from Lulu's journal, here are some of the memories:

*rented a Jeep Wrangler
* the shrub labyrinth outside of our room
*after free tequila shots in Playa del Carmen, 5 Dec 03, Lulu states - "Tequila makes you want to buy more stuff!"
*Me yelling "Do you want to super-size that to EXTRA FREE?" because Danny wouldn't share his FREE FOOD AT AN ALL-INCLUSIVE RESORT.
*my hammock
*"Mexican Hat Dance"
*The maid making a different towel figurine each night
*lots of skulls and pictures of Frida Kahlo.
*thatched roof even in city (on modern buildings)
*trying to take a picture in the tunnel at Tulum
*woman hitting her head on the sign and Jason leaving to quickly turn away with laughter
*pseudo-Olympic runner
*"And I still haven't heard a damn mariachi band!"
*weird midi music playing in gift shop
*10:05 p.m., Sunday 7 Dec 03: Danny finally hears the Mexican hat dance.
*At dinner:
JOHN: You know, next time we should have a gay-cation.
LULU: You mean... a vacation with everyone around the table except ME?
JOHN: Um...
LULU: Yeah, next time we'll have a nice-cation ... WITHOUT JOHN."
*Me putting too much bubble bath in the jacuzzi
*Lulu getting a foil/napkin rose from the Cancun Palace!
*A drug bust at La Caramba, a gay club we were at in Cancun.
*My nearly flipping and DYING on a speedboat.
*taking our picture -- Danny with a rifle and all of us in sombreros
*Jason driving with his headlights off.
*"I need a taxi to Chedraui." "Chedraui? --- Okay...."
*Quatre-vingt dix-neuf sourires entrent un bar. L'homme au bar dit, "Je suis un chat. Miaou!" .... N'est-ce paaaaas?
*ME: (to Lulu, while looking through the Skymall magazine) "We're living in the future, man."
*Flying first class round trip.

Basically it was just a wonderful vacation, with wonderful people.

Lulu and I were in one room, and Danny and Jason, obviously, were in the other.

The danger of staying at an all-inclusive resort, though, is that - well - it's all-inclusive.

Because we could, and, because we're tacky Americans, we would order anything and everything we could from room service at all hours of the evening.

ME: (at 3am) G'night, Lulu.
LULU: Good night.

About 1 minute passes...

ME: Room Service?
LULU: Yes!

We then pick up the phone, and order various steaks, bottles of wine, and cheese plates.

And french fries.

Lots and lots of french fries.

That was basically the trip, taking advantage of as much free food and alcohol as we could.


On the home front, Nick's got a new boyfriend, and they're relegated themselves to sweeping displays of relationship bliss. Like on Valentine's Day, when Nick basically turned the apartment into a florists, for all the flowers which appeared. This culminated with 1/2 a pound of rose petals leading to their bedroom.

What did I do?

Got really drunk with friends.

(but it was fun)

Speaking of all that, I'm no longer with Elijah - though I don't believe I ever mentioned him. We dated for a little over 4 months, after meeting at my weekly Sunday brunch with friends.

He was my first "real" boyfriend in nearly three years. Nice while it lasted, but we just weren't compatible.

(violins)

Along that vein, I had an interesting Thursday - I had a great high, and a sort of "blah" low.

First, the high - After weeks of waiting, and numerous interviews, I was offered the position of Public Relations coordinator at Universal!

(I took it, of course)

I'll miss the events group, but it was time for a change.

(and the 23% raise didn't hurt, either)

So, in just a few weeks, I'll be transitioning over to the Publicity/PR group, all of whom I've worked with many times, and have a great rapport.

New beginnings, and such...

Oh, right - the "low."

Well, there was a boy I met back in January. He was in Starbucks with a friend of mine, and we all chatted for about two hours. 

That's most likely when the infatuation began.

Anyway, we'd speak briefly, every once in a while, but in the last month, we really started to spend a lot of time together.

All of this really led up to my falling for him, and hard, I must say. At the risk of cheese, he's certainly about as close to my relationship archetype as anyone's ever come. I imagined that he had some glimmer of those feelings, too, since whenever we were together we seemed to operate as one person, which is a comforting feeling.

After weeks of being subversively flirtatious (that's the best I can do, ok?), I decided that Thursday, riding high on the new job news, was the time to spill it, and see where we really stood. 

Despite his being ill, he took me out to Shari (my new favorite sushi place), along with Danny and Jason to celebrate.

Following a quick glass at the wine bar, he took me home.

To make a long story short, with butterflies in my stomach and a cigarette in my hand, I finally breached the subject before getting out of the car.

To make a difficult story short, he unfortunately did not reciprocate my feelings. He spoke of guarded emotions due to his former boyfriend's spiteful attitude, but the tagline was that he "liked me too much to date me."

What that means, I still don't really know, but I accepted it placidly. With assurances that it was alright, I was quite fine, and just wanted to know, I exited the car to head up to my apartment, and that was that.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm crushed, or heartbroken, but I'd be lying to say that there isn't pain, although I do a great job at keeping that on the proverbial "down low."


People can really screw other people up, can't they?

This is why psychologists make so much money, I imagine. People's words, their actions, their non-verbals, all those can be detrimental when used in the wrong way. It can cause others to carry emotional baggage for the rest of their lives.

This is especially true when it's coming from a figure of admiration. If someone you love, or want to love, or respect highly does something to scar that, how long does that scar last? And more so, do they even know they're doing it?

I think they are, sometimes.

Am I guilty of having done it?

Yes.

Are you?

Probably.

But it's a defense mechanism for some, no, for most. It's the result of the chain reaction of emotions which go further back than the current relationship. Someone may be vicious towards another because of a long-seeded hurt caused by a lost love, or just because the thought of being so close to another person terrifies them to the point where anger is the only release they can muster. 

The point is, there's never a clear explanation as to why people treat others the way they do, or why the majority of people are ruled by emotions.

People, including friends, have called me an "Ice Queen," because I've learned so well how to keep my emotions in check, that I can come off as cold, and unfeeling. This isn't the truth at all. I think it really speaks to the same reasoning that I won't get "drunk" (to the point where I'm obliterated), or do altering substances. I refuse to lose control of myself, which, well...isn't always great, I suppose, but it works for me.

I'm slowly changing myself, though. After Elijah and I broke up, I sort of had an epiphany. I'm twenty-five, and all I do is go to work, and come home.

I'd hang out with friends, of course, but I wouldn't go "out," clubs, a bar, a nice dinner...

So since January, I've taken a step - I'm not sure if it's forward or backward, since I'm picking up old habits (like smoking, blah), but by forcing myself to get out and experience things, I'm having much more fun with life, expanding my friend base, and generally becoming much more comfortable with who I am.

This is most likely why I'm not too affected by the rejection. I'm moving on, and that's what the result of scenarios like that will be.

Move on.

There's the phrase "no use crying over spilled milk," and I intend on becoming lactose intolerant.

It's a new year, and although it's taken me a little bit to fall into it, I'm newly empowered, and I'm not taking "No" for an answer. I suppose growing up as an actor made a cozy little shell around me, where I could make myself adapt to what people were expecting, but more and more I'm realizing that being egocentric isn't all that bad, and why shouldn't I make it all about me for once? I have to please myself first and foremost, so that's where I'm on the road to, this year.

I'll close with paraphrased Sondheim, since, you know...I'm still a big ol' homo.

Look at what you want,
Not at where you are,
Not at what you'll be.

Anything you do,
Let it come from you.
Then it will be new.

Just keep moving on.

Be well...

-JOHN-


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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