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Welcome to Gap, May I Sniff Your Panties?
Written on 2002-11-21, at 6:16 p.m.

dizboy's disturbing daily diet...

1 Grande Chai Latté

1 Blueberry Muffin

1 Dish Penne Pasta w/Garlic Cream Sause

1 16oz. Chocolate Milk (2%)

1 Bag Cheetos (Fun Sized)

John Live*

*Not at all live...

Yesterday, The Gap called me while I was at my big boy job, asking if I wouldn't mind coming in for just a few hours to close the store.

"And dress to sell!"

My manager said.

To sell...I thought.

As opposed to...

"And dress to terrify children!"

"And dress for sex!"

"Rub Crisco all over your supple, naked flesh, and talk up the Boot Fit Jeans!"

Retail is so ridiculous at times.

Especially at a store like Gap, where over the past two years they've tried to switch their image at least fifty times. 

They've more marketing positions than the Kama Sutra has sexual. 

Did that sound right in your head? Read it again. I had to.

I got to the store, clocked in, and headed out to the floor, where I was met by my manager, Palmer.


One of the things that frustrates me about any type of hierarchy is when the subordinate is clearly more competent than their superior.

It's like that at Universal as well, but that's a whole different entry...

Palmer is a timid little man who reminds me of a rodent.

And I'm not saying that to be mean, he just has the features.

And a pension for cheese.

He is married, yet clearly homosexual.

In the words of the beloved Cesar...

"If he really does have a wife, I'll betcha she's really mannish."

Though, he has no fashion sense, which is painful, as he's a manager.

At. The. Gap.

What a conundrum...

Acts like a fag, dresses like a christian.

So he pulls me aside to give me my "One Minute Meeting", where he tells me that

a) I'm going to be the store greeter, and

b) I have to get at least two GapCard applications tonight.

Ok, so...

a) I'd rather give myself a Pepsi Blue enema than be a greeter, and

b) I never get GapCards, it's obnoxious, he can piss right off.

I'm standing at the entrance, greeting people as they come in...

"Hi, how are you tonight?"

"Hi, how's it going?"

"Hi, welcome to the Gap, can I tell you about our sales?"

"Hi, how about you lick my balls, you jackoff?"

Excuse me??

"How about you get the small jacket?"


At one point, I got so bored, that I was experimenting with accents.

I finally decided on a good 'ol boy, country time voice.

"Hi thar, y'all...fixin' to do some shoppin'?"

Which made me laugh.

A lot.

Simply because the accent was so blatantly not me, and when I'd get on the radio to call other people in the store, it would confuse the hell out of them.

After a while, you get past the point of self-amusement, and just become hostile.

You can only say "hi", and smile so many times, before you go crazy.

Like...I just wanted to yell...


Which, is entirely not my personality.

What I did do was scare the life out of a young foreign boy though.

There was a little kid, probably Brazilian, who had come in with his parents.

They were looking around, and the kid just sat there, at the front of the store, on a display, touching clothes.

He was maybe 5-6 years old, and completely innocent.

Which is why it's all the more horrible that I suddenly lunged at him, with a face much like this one...

...and then went back to what I was doing.

He never came back to the front of the store.

Come to think of it, I never even saw them leave.

Probably left through GapKids.

Little bugger must have needed new pants.

Be well...


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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