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Desserts. Are They Ever Wrong?
Written on 2002-03-29, at 1:34 a.m.
dizboy’s disturbing daily diet…

1 Big Mac (No Onions)

1 Large Fries

1 Large Coke

1 Bag Nutter Butter Bites

1 12oz. Coke

1 12-inch Sub from Quizno’s

2 Bottles of Water

6 Pieces of Trail Mix (Sorry Shan, if you still read this)


(The Best Of) John Live*

Hey, remember that time I bleached my hair?

And remember that time I found that cat?

And remember that time that the cat was smelling the bleach in my hair?

Yeah, that was all pretty cool.

*Not at all live


“You are next in line for a promotion at work”, said the fortune cookie.

Actually, that’s not what mine said at all, it's what Cesar's said. But knowing that I had just interviewed for a new position, he quickly traded the one I had for his on Monday evening.

Lo and Behold, it worked.

Tuesday, as I was returning from lunch, I was told to go see the HR Manager.

I entered his office, and he was on the phone, so he gave me that managerial look which encompasses “come in, sit down, I’ll be with you in a moment” all in a single glance.

I sat there for about five minutes while he patiently explained to someone on the phone the reason as to why they were no longer welcomed as an employee of Universal Orlando.

When he was done, he turned to me and said “John…Hi.”

“Hi.” I said back, wondering why I was sitting here in this office.

He looked at his computer, grabbed a very important looking piece of paper, and said…

“Ok, John…We’d like to offer you a position as a Full-Time Event Productions Coordinator, and….”

After that I don’t have any idea what else he said.

All I heard was “Ok, John…We’d like to offer you a position as a Full-Time Event Productions Coordinator…”

At some point, I noticed that he was staring at me blankly.

I took that to mean that that was my cue to give him an answer.

“Um…yes, wow, yes…”

Was my educated response.

So after going over benefits, new pay rate, and when I start (April 7th, literally the day after the Mardi Gras event ends), I stumbled out of the office with the instruction to not tell anyone till the end of the week, once any other positions have been offered.

So of course, I went and told everyone.

No, not everyone, but like two people.

Or twenty…who’s counting though?


Oh my dear diary, how I’ve neglected you as of late.

I promise to be a better keeper, but it’s just so easy to say “I’ll do one tomorrow”.

And when you say “I’ll do one tomorrow” everyday, tomorrow never…um…comes?

That had the beginnings of something proverbial, but it fell short in the whole “intrinsically good for society” department.


I was waiting in the drive-thru at McDonald’s today, when I saw a woman, who was very obviously British, step outside for a smoke. How did I know she was very obviously British?

Well, when you live in Orlando, or for that matter, New York, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, or any other city with a very large tourist draw, you just know.

You look at them and you can say…

British. Tourist.

They’re usually walking around with shorts that would make Richard Simmons blush, brightly colored shirts advertising some sports team like “Manchester United”, which to the vast majority of Americans, means nothing. They’ll have on white, slip-on loafers, and a fanny pack sporting the name of their tour group, skin glowing like a stoplight from the effects of many years of cloudy Anglo-Saxonism being exposed to the unforgiving Florida sun.

None of this do I understand.

Well, I understand the sunburn part…

Why the rest though?

I’ve been to England, I know english people, and they don’t ever dress like that.

Unless they’re on vacation.

Or, holiday, as it were.

They seem to choose the tackiest clothing they can get their hands on, just to wear here.

Clothing which makes them stick out like a sore thumb, clothing that screams…

“ROB ME, I’M BRITISH!!!”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very pro-British, love them to death…I mean if it weren’t for Britain, we wouldn’t have, um…

Well, we’d be without…

Hmm, no.

We’d all have to…

No, not really.

Um, oh, Oh, OH!

We wouldn’t have Jeremy Irons.

And man, does he have a cool voice.

Be well…

-JOHN-


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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