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Star Chores: The Phantom Office Boy
Written on 2001-11-16, at 11:27 a.m.
dizboy's disturbing daily diet...

3 Sticks Big Red

1 Large Sweet Tea

1 Chik-Fil-A Chicken Biscuit

John Live*

Pay no attention to the phantom tail behind the curtain.

*Not at all live

In about an hour, I'll be en route to the first showing of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone."

Fine, I'm a lemming.

But, I'll be a very pacified lemming, as I've been waiting for this stupid movie forever now.

Yes, I am that person.

I'm the person who you catch reading Harry Potter on their lunch breaks.

I'm the person who tells you how "...no, you'll really like them, they're not just for kids..."

I'm the person who goes into a Harry Potter chat room, posing as an 11-year old, hoping to save a scrap of dignity.

But, at least I don't dress up like a character...those people scare me.

A lot.

I remember when "Episode I" came out...

Now, I'm not a big Trekkie, or whatever the Star Wars people are called, but I enjoy the movies.

However, I do not enjoy them enough to camp out for over ten hours dressed as a Wookie simply to buy a ticket, then another four hours in a queue waiting to enter the theatre.

That, I make my friends do.

My friend Scott has one of the most infectious personalities I've ever encountered. If he's excited about something, you have no choice but to ride the wave with him...I maintain that he could effectively organize the worlds first "NAACP / KKK Family Fun Day Craft Fair and Cattle Auction".

So, being around Scotty had me on pins and needles for the film, pretending that I'd lived my life simply for Star Wars.

Sort of an Obi-Wannabe.

The summer that it opened, I was on a three month internship with the business offices at Disney's Animal Kingdom, the significance of which meant I had parking access anywhere on Disney property I wanted.

Because of this, I spent the better part of the day that "Episode I" tickets went on sale driving back and forth between Animal Kingdom, and the AMC 24 at Downtown Disney, where Scott was patiently waiting in line.

The reason I was driving so much was that as an office assistant, no one questioned me coming and going so often from the building. What I was actually doing was funnelling money from my co-workers to people waiting in line, hoping that they could get a ticket for themselves as they sat locked down in their offices.

What's more is, having access to all areas, I began shuttling some of the entertainment cast members over to the theatre so they could scope out whether or not anyone they knew would ensure their admission.

I felt that at any moment, my movements would be exposed, and I would be severely reprimanded.

It was all very "Underground Railroad"-esque. I felt like the Harriet Tubman of the Sci-Fi scene.

Upon arriving back to the offices after one trip, I was told that the Director of Cast Activites wanted to see me.

This, being the woman who the people I reported to reported to, brought me to the conclusion that the jig was up, I had been caught, and it was time to abort.

Better dead than captured, I thought to myself, and went for the cyanide capsule hidden in the molar of every professional spy.

But, finding only benign silver filling, I knew I had to face my fate.

I walked down the hallway, ready to turn in my Disney ID, and be savagely beaten by the Seven Dwarfs.

Yes folks, the dark side of Disney.

I knocked, she said "Come in."

I entered.


"Hi John, just a second."

I hate that...

I think that management purposely has something ready to take their full attention any time they've called for someone, simply to increase the tension and stress of a verbal "beat-down".

I stood, looking at the wall full of accolades and certificates she had amassed in her years with the company.

She looked up.

"John, have you been going to Downtown Disney?"

"Well...I was, but it was..for...I had to...I was...I wanted to grab lunch at Planet Hollywood."

That...was my excuse...

"I wanted to grab lunch at Planet Hollywood."

She looked at me for a second, apparently with the scales of justice tipping back and forth in her mind, ready to pass judgement on my thinly veiled lie.

"Well, John...if you decide you want lunch again today, here's seven dollars, Kirk is waiting in line for Star Wars, and I want him to get me a ticket."

"Oh...oh, um, ok."

I turned to leave.

"Oh, John..."


"Here's ten more, pick me up a dessert from Planet Hollywood."

Be well...


P.S.- Please remember to Clix! me!

Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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