on 2001-10-31, at 2:24 p.m.
|dizboy's disturbing daily diet...
1 Grilled Stuft Burrito
1 Small Bag of Nachos
1 Large Pepsi
0 Cigarettes (So far)
I call this "I paid HOW MUCH for a Gold Membership???"
*Not at all Live
Yes folks, I've done it.
Even with my crippling fear of commitment, I went ahead and bought a one-year subscription to good ol' Diaryland.
I'm not quite sure what it entails, but so far I've recieved an e-mail from the one and only Andrew, I have something called "stats", which I don't understand, and I'm thirty bucks poorer than I was this morning.
Ah well, I'm sure it's worth it.
No, not golf.
It has that "lewd and lascivious" ring to it, n'est pas?
Well don't shy away, because I have it on very good authority that many of you have taken part in such immoral acts.
I sure have.
There's something about a threesome that's very mysterious, sexy...
Well, to me at least.
I've had them before, not with any type of great frequency, but I've partaken.
Except for me, being part of a threesome is like the new "Planet of The Apes."
You're all excited about it, waiting for it to happen, then it does, and you're left with that...
...sort of feeling.
Oh yeah, and Marky Mark never takes any clothes off...that too.
Which I think may be a sign of my gaping ineptitude of all things "sexual", or it may just be because I'm an arrogant snot.
Example: My last threesome...
That sounds like a strange essay assignment at "Porn Star High".
"Alright class, today's in-class writing is titled "My last threesome". Barbie twins, please make sure that you write about your last one with other people..."Hot teen incest" is next week. Please cite all sources and use proper MLA documentation throughout."
Anyway...My last threesome...
It was with a couple whom I had met...ready for this?
On the internet.(what a whore!!!)
I know...shameful, but, true.
Well, I had talked to them for a while, and eventually just decided to meet them.
So, I did.
And no, for any long time readers...they were not the S&M Couple.
So I met them, and they seemed very nice, one cute, one not so much, but possibly do-able, nonetheless.
Nothing happened that first meeting, but the next day, one of them called me up. We were just talking, and he said something to the effect of "Well, why don't you come over, we can watch movies, and you can spend the night."
FLAG ON THE PLAY! SEXUAL ADVANCE BY OFFENSE, 10-YARD PENALTY.
Being the cautious and responsible person I am, I of course said "Sure", quite possibly in that voice which one reserves for free samples at Godiva, or Marines on shore leave.
Now...here's where it gets bad...so, bear with me.
I arrived at their house, knocked on the door, and the one who had called me (the possibly do-able one) opened it wearing only boxers.
I looked into a darkened house, and he pulled me inside without even a "Hi"...or a "How are ya?"...or a "Did you pick up some Crisco?"...
At which point he immediately began undressing me.
Now, that was my first problem...I'm a spatial person, and need to be able to move about. When there's someone all up in my grill like that I get all..."Bah".
So he's got me naked, and himself as well, and says, "Let's go surprise S___."
Now my idea of a surprise is a rose on my car...a $20 in my pocket...a full bowl left in a long forgotten bong...
Apparently, dazed naked boys are theirs.
I'm pulled into the room, and the other boy (Who, I must say...was way hot.), like one of Pavlov's Dogs, saw 2 naked boys, and like a well oiled machine, stipped down to his birthday suit as well.
I'm led to the bed, and the two of them are on either side of me.
The not-so-pretty one is talking...he keeps asking if I'm nervous, and if I've had a threesome before.
Trouble is, he had a lisp...
So "threesome" kept coming out like "threethome".
I swear to God, I felt like Opie was about to jack me off.
Now, the other was very pretty to look at, but quite the bedroom bumbler, as I found out.
Not-so-pretty started doing the porno talk, which is my #1 turn-off...And the fact that he was doing a play-by-play on what the pretty one was doing just made it worse...
"Yeah, you like that?"
"His tongue is so hot..."
"Tell him what you want him to do..."
"I WANT HIM TO GET HIS GODDAMNED TOUNGUE OUT OF MY EAR, THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!!" I thought to myself.
He had a tongue like a great dane with influenza.
And speaking of dogs...
They had two.
Large, rambunctious, retrievers who seemed hell bent on breaking what tiny sliver of "mood" there may have been left in that room.
I suppose they were taking me being in the middle of their masters as some sort of threat, and took that opportunity to jump up on the bed barking anytime someone would make a sound.
When not-so-pretty finally climaxed, he moaned loudly, setting the dogs off in a frenzy of jumping and barking.
Sort of gives a whole new meaning to "Lassie Come Home", eh?
The whole terrible ordeal lasted about 45 minutes, and I made up some excuse about a non-existent paper needing to be revised for the morning, in order to flee with what was left of my sexual sanity.
The best part of the ordeal came 2 days later, though.
Not-so-pretty (he seemed to be the spokesman for the two of them) called me to see if I'd like to go out to lunch with them, and I replied "Thanks, but I'm a little out of it...Last night my friends came over, and we just sorta smoked out and drank a bit."
"You what?" he replied...
And from there, launched into a tirade of the evils of drugs, how they didn't think I was that type of person, how I needed help, etc...etc...
Ready for the best part?
Because I left it out earlier...
Before the two of them "finished" that night...they both grabbed a bottle of "poppers" from their nightstands, and proceded to inhale deeply before wasting their seed upon the bedsheets.
God, I can be disgusting at times...
Now for those of you who don't know what poppers are...Essentially, it's VCR head cleaner. It's a solvent which people now sell, trying to pass off as a legitimate product, which people buy in tiny little bottles and, well...huff it.
You just hold it up to your nose, and inhale deeply.
I have no idea how, or why people use this during sex, as I've never done it, but it's a big thing, and also a pretty dangerous one.
While relaying this story to a friend of mine who's a 3rd year medical student, he told me that the amount of brain tissue damaged by using poppers weekly for 4 months is equivalent to the amount damaged by smoking pot every day for about 2 years.
And I'm the one who needs help?
"Go thcrew yourthelf..." I replied.
Prodigal Son - 11:03 pm , 11.20.06 So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish - 6:41 pm , 05.29.05 The Beginning of the End - 1:15 pm , 11.22.04 Brand Positioning - 2:13 am , 09.20.04 A Pop Culture Case Study - 9:24 pm , 08.26.04
Prodigal Son - 11:03 pm , 11.20.06
So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish - 6:41 pm , 05.29.05
The Beginning of the End - 1:15 pm , 11.22.04
Brand Positioning - 2:13 am , 09.20.04
A Pop Culture Case Study - 9:24 pm , 08.26.04
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