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Q: What do E.T. and Katherine Hepburn have in common? A: This entry.
Written on 2001-09-16, at 3:30 a.m.
MeAbFab2: John, we just had a guy call the office up, a former Vietnamese refugee

MeAbFab2:who owns a local hotel, and some in the City

MeAbFab2: and he just donated $2 million

MeAbFab2: out of nowhere

MeAbFab2: it's just... I can't even say anything.

This is taken from a conversation with my friend Michael, who works for the American Red Cross in upstate New York.

Now THIS is the shit I like to hear.

And I've been cursing a lot in my journals lately.

I should fuckin' stop that.

dizboy's disturbing daily diet...

1 Fried Chicken Meal (Mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, biscuit)

1 Cinnabon (*sigh...*)

1 Ungodly amount of PEZ

4 Cigarettes

1 Smirnoff Ice

It's....sad when you get stood up, isn't it?

You're waiting...and waiting...


But then...Nothing.

That whore.

Gabrielle, I mean.

For some reason, all the hurricanes we get lately seem to be little Tropical cock-teases.

So today I'm at Universal with some friends, and we're having a gay ol' time, pretending we're a boy band, singing "GIIIIIIRL" all over the place.

And though Carly wouldn't go on any of the rollercoasters, we still had an enjoyable time.

I found something GREEEEEAT today, though. I don't know how many of you know, but I'm a HUGE "Simpsons" fan. And to boot, I'm a huge fan of PEZ as well. When you combine the two...watch out.

I found "Simpsons" Pez dispensers. The WHOLE family...it was great.

So now, the Simpsons Pez Family keeps silent vigil over my computer desk.

"John, you've eaten so much PEZ today, I think your blood is now liquid sugar." -Carly
There's a ride at Universal based on "E.T.", and when you walk in, you're issued a special "Identification Card" so that E.T. will know you when you meet.

Well, said card is simply a barcode that they encrypt your name on, so that at the end of the ride, E.T. says "Goodbye _______", or "_______ friend."

They have people at computers when you walk in asking your name, so they can type it in, and give you a card.

Well, there's this incredibly juvenile and immature thing that people do, which is try to make up silly names when asked for their own.

I LOVE doing this.

Carly, Cesar, (<---That's called a "Harvard Comma", when it breaks a list before the "and", as one isn't absolutely necessary there. Though you should know.) and I were wracking our brains to figure out what our names would be...we had some good ones, though I don't recall them all...

Unfortunately, when it came time to give them our name, we all snapped under the pressure, and Carly, Cesar, and John became Parker, Logan, and Blair, respectively.

Now, when it came time for little E.T. to call out our names, he just SAT THERE.

Not saying a word, not seeing us, like a little shriveled brown Helen Keller.

So I started yelling, quietly at first, then escalating to a scream...








As my friends cringed in embarrassment, I wondered what it would be like to be escorted out of my own workplace.

There was this commercial on, a few years back, with Katherine Hepburn...it opened with her sitting on a chair, in front of a roaring fire, children at her feet...She is dressed in a white turtleneck, and a red cardigan over it.

"Oh, Hello" she says...

"I'm Katherine Hepburn, and there's nothing I like better than having people together for the holidays."

Lovely for Katherine...

"And you know, nothing puts me in the holiday mood like serving my guests with these beautiful crystal tumblers from..."

Ready for this?


Ouch, I flinch thinking about it...Kate Hepburn is remembered by many young people now as "The old Arbys lady".

How much did they have to pay her to do that?

I can just see her and Spencer Tracy at home...

"Spencahhh, you forgot my damned Arby-Q sauce again...You're going to get on that horse and ride ride RIDE back to the restauant."

This story is MUCH funnier when I do it in person, because then you get to hear my fabulous Hepburn impression.

I think that, being a philosophy minor, I should take a colder, more logical approach to finding a boyfriend.

Therefore, I shall have an open call for resumes.

Name, Objective, Relationship Experience, Education should be included.

Prior experience, and proficiency with "Office 2001" preferred.

Am I the only one who lies about being proficient with "Office 2000" and up?

I've never touched Exel in my life, and the other applications I'm just mediocre at.

I still think "Spreadsheet" is what you do before you have sex.

Be well...


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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