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The bestest day
Written on 2001-08-02, at 2:03 a.m.
dizboy's disturbing daily diet...

2 Cinnabons (heaven...)

1 Ceasar Salad

1 12-Ounce Filet Mingion (Medium Rare)

1 Rock Lobster Tail

1 Order Garlic Mashed Potatoes

1 Large Sweet Tea (ONLY from Chik-Fil-A)

See...when I DO eat...I eat well.

_____________________________________________________

To quote "Snoop Dogg"...

I gotta say it was a good day.

It started out, however, as a bad day.

This is because I thought that I was a day late to pay a ticket (speeding, same place I've been busted twice before. You'd think I would learn.)

I won't bore you with the details of the waiting area, because I'm sure that most of you have had to pay a ticket at some time in your life.

But apparently, as it's beauracracy, you have to go in and wait in one long line to give them the ticket, and let them know you want to pay it...

Then wait in another line to pay.

Bah, I say.

The only good thing to come out of that is that I got to visit the Orange county courthouse, in beautiful downtown Orlando.

This is a reflection of the sad drudgery that is my life, but I think it's a "tres cool" building.

So anyway, I felt very uncomfortable as I was waiting.

Probably because I was in my fitted tank top, and capri pants.

That's apparently not the thing one wears to the traffic fines wing of the courthouse this season.

One thing that really annoyed me though was the baby.

This child...this...spawn...kept touching me.

And not like the cute little whimsical baby touching.

The "smack the fag" kind of touching.

The child struck me on the back of the head...

Ok, it's a baby, it's sort of cute.

Then it did it again.

All the while, the mother is holding it, saying in that incessant mommy-baby voice..."Are you touching people? Are yooooou touching peeeeople-weople?"

Not "Stop touchy-wouchy the nice homosexual...".

At that point, I was ready to "smacky-wacky" the lot of them.

_____________________________________________________

As I was on that side of town, I figured why not go shoppy-woppy (ok, I'll stop). So I went to my store to pick up some things.

This is where the day picks up.

Because shopping to a gay man is like Ruffles...

You can't buy just one.

So I'm at my store, trying on a ton of clothes, and this absolutely adorable little high school girl that I work with is there in the fitting rooms.

Love her to death, but she's quite, um...

Naive?

Two examples...

I'm bringing clothes back to the rooms, and have a pair of the womens low rise flare jeans (because they're cute, ok?) and this comes out of her precious little mouth...

"Oh, John...you grabbed a pair of womens jeans!"

What a cute little pumpkin.

Other example...

Talking to her about being from New York City...and she lets go with...

"Oh, does your girlfriend live there?"

I couldn't help but laugh as I tried to explain myself to her.

Though I felt a little bad for her future, I mean, Helen Keller would be able to tell I'm queer.

So as I'm leaving Gap, I look up, and the sky looks like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse could ride across it at any moment.

The Sunshine State has not been living up to it's name this past week.

I mean, the Sun been missing almost as long as Chandra Levy (Ba dum dum..thanks folks, I'll be here all week.).

So I run to my car, not wanting to be caught up in it.

WHEW, I thought...missed getting wet.

Then I passed Barnes and Noble.

2 CD's and 1 French Vogue later, I'm contemplating making a mad dash back to my car in the middle of this typhoon.

Then I'm contemplating how one makes a mad dash in flip flops.

Very carefully, I tell myself.

So I'm back on the 408 (I mention this road a lot, perhaps I should explain it. The 408, 417, and I-4 are the 3 major Highways in town. I-4 goes straight through Orlando, running from Tampa to Daytona Beach, the 408 is an East West Toll road that goes From the Florida Turnpike to 417, it leads out to the Universities, and brings me to school every day, and the 417 is a SUPER expensive toll road for people who are too good for Orlando. It makes an arc around the city, so you never have to go near Orlando if you're traveling it. Such a pretentious road. I have no idea why I'm lecturing you on Orlando's roads, back to my story...) heading home in this downpour, and JUST before I get to the I-4 exit, my stomach takes over.

MUST...

HAVE...

CINNABONS...

So I swerve out of the exit lane, and go about 17 miles out of my way to the mall ACROSS THE COUNTY...no, not across town...across the county...

To get Cinnabons.

I had to exchange a visor I just bought anyway, apparently my head is NOT a "Small/Medium". My head is a "Large/X-Large". God, that's a little more than depressing. Plus, the manager of that Gap always hits on me, so it was good in a roundabout way too.

Instead of just picking up a Cinnabon, I buy a four pack.

Heading home...again...

Though I realized I could have lived off 4 Cinnabons for the better part of a week, something hit me on the way home...

I had a $25 Gift Certificate for Outback Steakhouse.

Mmm...steak.

So I walk in, and order the Surf & Turf.

Lobster and Steak.

I'm not quite sure, but I think my goal was to consume as many animals as possible in a single sitting.

However, I didn't walk in, sit down, and order the Surf & Turf.

I asked for it to go.

Now, I guess not a lot of people order lobster and steak to go, but this was my day of indulgence, and I wasn't about to miss "The Simpsons".

So, a large bag of food and a sweet tea in hand, I head home for a nice relaxing night.

I ate.

I cleaned.

I had a Cinnabon.

I had another Cinnabon.

And that was my day....it was tres bien.

I have to say though, the very best thing about the day was the fact that I had accidentally left my cell phone at home when I left this morning.

I went the entire day without it, and loved it.

_____________________________________________________

One final thing...

Here's a perfect example of why having sex in the South is so surreal and unnerving.

My best friend was having sex tonight, and just as he and the guy were getting into it all hot and heavy, the boy he was with lets out an exuberant...

"WOOOO, you done made me blow!"

Gotta love Florida.

Be well...

-JOHN-


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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