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When good genes go bad.
Written on 2001-07-22, at 5:52 a.m.
What a night....

1 Order of Zingers from my favorite restaurant, the Orlando Ale House

1 Pint Sam Adams Cherry Wheat

1 Unhealthy dosage of Bowling Alley food

12 cigarettes (I was at a bowling alley, people were looking at me funny for not having one)


I was at a bowling alley tonight.

That sentence alone lets you know that this is going to be a doozy of an entry.

So, let's set this up, because I know you're all wondering..."John, how did you, Orlando's premiere gay socialite, end up at a bowling alley?"

I'll tell you.

You see...everyone in the little gay posse I run with has been suffering from a sort of "club ennui". We're tired of the same old people at the clubs, and felt like a new Saturday night excursion.

So...the word "bowling" was thrown in the ring, and everyone just got swept away in the excitment of it all.

Therefore, we end up at the "Semoran Lanes" Bowling Alley.

Now, I walk in...and immediately feed a tad uncomfortable with the people...

And by people, of course I mean the motley crew of chromosome depraved characters who looked as if they had just stepped out of a John Waters film.

This was humanity at it's worst. Had Darwin gone bowling before setting off to the Galapagos, I think "Origin of the Species" would have had an entirely different twist.

So, there's me...

The gay boy.

The ethnic gay boy.

The scared, ethnic, gay boy.

The first thing I do after getting there is go to use the restroom.

Mistake #1.

I walk in, and there is a urinal, and a toilet next to each other. No divider, just stagnant air. There is a man at the urinal. I'm used to gay clubs, so without thinking, I stand next to him, and use the toilet.

Drunken Redneck: Too much yeller, son?

Scared Gay Boy: Yeller?

Drunken Redneck: Yeah, yeller, ya know, the beer.

Scared Gay Boy: Oh...yeah, yeah...too much. (I had had none)

Drunken Redneck: Just costs too damn much...but ya know, I'm set for life...I hit that there Fantasy 5 twice in one year.

Scared Gay Boy: (THINKING) Umm...Fantasy 5 only pays out like $5000.

So the moral of this part of the story is, rednecks can survive for life on $10,000.

The actual bowling part was next...I was not looking forward to it. I was looking forward to it even less when I saw who our lane partners were.

Imagine "The Klumps".

Only white.

And with far less teeth.

My friends certainly took it with stride, even making friendly with them.

I however, felt like I had just stepped into a scene from "Deliverance".

I was waiting to hear a banjo, and someone yell..."Make 'em squeal, paw!!"

Far be it from me to judge anyone...

But I will...

The mother made Mama Cass look like Calista Flockhart's left arm, and the twin girls (I'm serious...I couldn't make this up if I tried), the twins looked like Geo Metros without a good paint job.

The interesting thing is...both their boyfriends were diminutive little men.

Perhaps the men started out as strapping bubbas, but envisioning a meal at that household, I would starve for fear of reaching for something at dinner and drawing back a stump.

I did discover that I am fairly good at bowling though. I got quite a few strikes, and even won some money. It's this chaotic thing where if a certain pin comes out, and you get a strike, you get $2. Strange, but I got about 1/2 my admission back.

After bowling, we retired to the "Strikers Lounge" where we enjoyed darts, pool, and bad kareoke. There was an incredibly disproportionate man (5'4''/275lbs) wearing some shirt with a big dragon on it (if you squinted, it sort of looked like Godzilla with Downs Syndrome) belting out some song I had never heard of in my life.

That about does it for that little trip, other than the fact that my friend drank about 3 pitchers of beer, and later was mad at US when we were making fun of his regurgatory marathon in the bathroom.

Some people.

Something else I noticed...

All the gay boys got high scores.

Which brings me to my conclusion.

There's nothing a gay man is better at than handling a big set o' balls.

Be well...


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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