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I wanna sex me up...
Written on 2001-07-21, at 2:05 a.m.
Everyone who has been worried about my eating habits can rejoice today...

2 Saugage McMuffins (It was a McD's morning)

1 Hash Brown

1 Orange Juice

1 Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich (I'm regressing)

1 Bag Chips

1 Big Stuft Taco

1 Bag Nachos

Now see....isn't it boring when I eat healthy? I'm much funnier when I pretend I'm Kate Moss. "Food? Oh no no, I just had an Altoid."

_____________________________________________________

So, I'm a tool.

A big one.

Hmm...

Less tool, more dork.

And by dork, of course I mean the biggest loser on the planet.

Let me explain.

So I'm in the store today (for those of you who STILL don't know where I work, "the store" is herein and hereafter the pronoun for The Gap.) and this GORGEOUS boy walks in. Like...so cute, that I wanted to take him on the pile of mens polos (Only 7.99, get into Gap today!).

So he's in there, looking for a backpack...I'm all turning it on, trying to flirt and be cute.

He wants a bag.

A...bag...OH....yes...yes, we have bags... we have bags coming out our asses...

Right...cute boy...He wants a bag...I show him some.

We banter.

He decided to think about it, and come back in a little.

"You'll be back!" I quipped. That's so cute of me.

So eventually, he returns...I'm all excited, gonna get my groove on, and he ends up deciding on the bag afterall.

No, I wasn't ringing him up, but I was standing a few feet away from him, in plain sight. The bag is being purchased.

I give a little smile...

He gives a litte smile...

Everything seems to be going well...he's about to leave, he nods my way.....!!!!

"Bye" he says!

"Bye!.....

.....enjoy the bag!" The words spew from my mouth.

..................................I SAID WHAT????

Enjoy the bag???

Who says, enjoy the bag??

Me, I guess...

I could see someone asking, "Enjoy the BANG?" with something like a "baby" thrown in there. But not bag.

God, it's amazing...I never knew a person could actually cock-block himself.

But I did.

So, after that, I've had an "ugly day".

You know...those times where you'd have to get yourself drunk just to have the chance of letting yourself masturbate.

And even then, you might reject you...

"I'm sorry me, I mean, I'm a nice guy and all, but I don't really know what I want from me, or if we should take it to this level...I mean...I love me, but I don't know if I'm IN love with me. So, let's just be friends, ok? I promise I'll call me..."

_____________________________________________________

I was on TV today.

Well, not in a good way.

You see, I was in an accident today. Nothing too bad, just a fender bender, that's it.

But I was one of 6 fender benders at the same time in the same intersection.

So, because of this phenomenon, the TV news crews came out to do "Live" reports from the intersection of Colonial and Maguire Rd.

Which is where I happened to be, so...

"Hi Mom!"

And how is Velma (my car), you ask?

Well, she's fine, she just cracked her front license plate holder.

What a trooper.

_____________________________________________________

Day 1: This is my official Mariah Carey "deathwatch". Not that this implies IN ANY WAY that I want someone to harm her, or that I intend to, but I don't think she needs to be using valuable oxygen that I can pollute with nicotine.

So from time to time, I'll keep you updated as to the state of her mortality.

_____________________________________________________

That's about all I have for today, besides to tell you all that the term "pussyfart" is very funny to me.

Crass?

Yes.

Vulgar?

Of course.

Funny?

I think so.

Be well...

-JOHN-

P.S.- As I was writing this, I got up to put my pajamas on, ended up putting both of my legs into one opening, lost my balance, and becamce a victim of gravity with one resounding "whump"...Just thought I'd share my grace and poise with you all.


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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