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Birds, Bleach, and Big Lizards
Written on 2001-07-19, at 4:05 a.m.
Ok, here we go....

I've eaten 2 tacos, and a Tazoberry tea from Starbucks today. This means:

A) I'm too busy to eat.

B) I'm poor.

C) I idolize Karen Carpenter.

The answer is actually:

D) None of the above.

I just forget to eat sometimes.


So, I'm at work yesterday, doing what I do best, which is making the store look as chic as possible. I was standing in the back room, talking to our general manager, when I hear over the radio "Um..there's a...bird, in the store..."

Now, I, being the true nature lover that I am, rushed out to see it.

And lo and behold, there was a pidgeon perusing the Mens Army Jeans ($49.50). I had to stop for a second, because it was such a surreal sight...a bird...inside a Gap...inside a mall. But in his defense (I'm assuming it was a "he" as it was in the men's section) the weather was awful outside.

So anyway...here's what happens...

My manager tells me to keep an eye on it, so, um...I do. I kept a little distance from it at first, then I went a little closer and asked it if it would like to apply for the GapCard (as we are supposed to ask EVERYONE who walks in the store, I assumed no bias of species). He responed by shitting on the floor. I took that as either a "No", or a sign that he didn't like the new Fall line.

So...and here's the embarrassing part...

Little birdy walks behind a display, and I can't see him, so I walk around the other side of it to intercept him...Well, he must be a pretty fast mover, because when I looked down, and he looked up, we were right next to each other, apparently we both were startled, because he jumped back and started flapping his wings...Which startled me.

...And by startled, of course I mean I screamed like a 12-year old girl and threw my arms up to my face.

"Wow John, it's a good thing that the store was closed, and no one but your co-workers saw your blatent display of stereotypical homosexuality."

One would say.

"That would be a good thing, however, the store was very open, and in addition to my co-workers, and general manager, the entire shopping population of Gap #4406 got to see me do my Tippy Hedron impression." (For those of you less familiar with the works of Alfred Hitchcock, Tippy Hedron was the female lead in the classic film, "The Birds")

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the evening skulking up on a ladder with people making bird noises into my ear via the little Janet Jackson headset that you all see Gap people wearing. (Oh, if only you innocent little shoppers knew the things we say about you on those...)

Notice how many times I use the words "startled", and "say" in that last section.

I bleached my hair again today...I didn't think it was any different, but my friend saw me on my webcam, and said "It looks like you did your hair with Photoshop!"

I still can't figure out if that was a compliment or not.


I saw Jurassic Park III tonight. It was ok, but the best part was watching my friend Loren (Male). He's terrified of dinosaurs, and it was great to watch him wiggle.

Not to mention I'm really good at making Raptor noises, and it freaked him out all the way home.


That's all for today...

Be well...


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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