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How do you grow a vagina?
Written on 2001-07-18, at 1:36 a.m.
Today was a GOOD DAY!!

7-17-2001

1 Ham and Swiss sandwich, more worn than eaten, as mayonaise and mustard were added to excess

2 Bags Krunchers brand kettle crisps

1 Lemonade

1 Big Mac extra value meal (about 1/2 hour ago at 1am. I love you, 24-hour McD's)

3 Cigarettes (one before the presentation, one after, and one for um...Good luck.)

_____________________________________________________

What a day.

What a great day.

My semester presentation was....er, presented, today.

And it went SO well...my Professor loved it.

You know...it seems the less I'm prepared for something, the better I seem to do at it. I put EVERYTHING for this presentation off till the last minute, quite literally. I woke up at 8am to finish the PowerPoint.

I think it's because I AM the luckiest fag in the world (That sounds like a really WIERD childrens book: "The Luckiest Fag in the World"). I mean...no matter what I seem to do to sabotage myself with an assignment, I always seem to overawe the class, and instructor.

I think it's because momma used to say "If you can't dazzle them with your brilliance, blind 'em with your bullshit."

She actually said that too...it is the one, and only time in my life that I recall hearing my mother swear. Remember, June Cleaver. In a labcoat.

So, anyway...I decided to reward myself, and have a "me" day...so I went round the salon for a haircut, and a brow waxing (if I were any more gay, I'd grow a vagina)(Wait, how do you "grow" a vagina??)(if I were any more gay, I'd implode a vagina)(Nice save, John. Thank you, John).

And that was fabulous, my waxing girl didn't yell at me, for once. Here's how it usually goes... (Oh, and she's hispanic, I hope that comes across in my typing.)

My waxing girl: Hallo John..

Me: Hi waxing girl.

(The conversation usually lapses for a few minutes)

My waxing girl: Eez dis too hot?

Me: No, it's ok

*FFFTTTT*

*FFFTTTT*

(That's the actual waxing taking place, I try to be thorough in my entries.)

My waxing girl: Deed chou chave jour browz???

Me: (panicking) Um, no...well...maybe once, when I was in a hurry...

My waxing girl: What I tell you? It makes da hair bad, BAD JOHN..(I REALLY wish I was making this up)

But anyway, today was different, because I was good, and always plucked. The only thing was, I had just been to Panera, and drank a lot of lemonade. Well...they have this stupid "Zen Fountain" in the room...so, since my waxing girl had nothing to chide me over, it was like this.

*FFFTTTT*

*FFFTTTT*

*FFF-HEYIGOTTAGOPEE-TTT*

My waxing girl: Okie.

So after walking back through the salon to the bathroom do I realize there's chunks of wax stuck to one eyebrow, and a piece of waxing tape on the other. Ah well, I was in a good mood anyway.

Right after that, I get my haircut. The lady was nice, and did a good job, but I told her I was just going to go home and shower, so there was no need to put Bed Head in. She said ok, and proceeded to put gel in my hair instead. I was too confused to be annoyed, but once I got outside it irritated me. I hate gel.

_____________________________________________________

Why is Mariah Carey still alive?

God, I detest her.

Any why is the the headlining closing act for MTV's 20th Anniversary Special??? What, was ROSEANNE unavailable??

_____________________________________________________

An Idle Conversation with God.

God: Hello, my child.

Me: Oh my you! Wow...what are you doing here?

God: I am passing through, checking on things here on Earth. I assume everyone is living in peace?

Me: Um...yes.

Me: (THINKING) Shit, I just lied to God.

God: Um, I'm omnicient.

Me: Oh, right...

Me: Er...Nice weather we've been having.

God: Oh...why thank you.

God: Well, I've got that...thing, I have to get to...

Me: Oh, yeah, yeah...don't let me keep you.

God: *POOF*

Me: I think God just blew me off.

_____________________________________________________

This was a long entry...but I just have so much energy today, enjoy it while you can...

Be well...

-JOHN-


Your Host and Emcee...dizboy.

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