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You HAVE to read this!!
Written on 2001-07-07, at 12:24 a.m.
You HAVE to read this!!
I found out something very disturbing today. I mean really upsetting. I am not gay. Isn't that strange? I've been living a lie all this time. Huh. And do you know how I found this out? I was TOLD. Yes, it's true...be careful, it could happen to you too. Anyway, I found this out as I was speaking to a friend of mine, and I happened to mention the I had never seen "Steel Magnolias". Well, APPARENTLY, you can't be gay unless you've seen that. So, suburbia, here I come. I am always confused when people say "You HAVE to see this movie!" Why do we HAVE to see it? What will happen if we don't? My guess is that the socio-economic structure of the free world will fall into a downward spiral, and Black Monday will look like a non-sufficient funds mark on Bill Gates' bank statement. Well, first to clarify what you must see to be gay, I believe that the normal Theogony of Homosexuality reads like this. "Torch Song Trilogy", "Jeffery", "It's my Party", "Funny Girl", etc, etc. Well you know what? I've never seen "The 10 Commandments" either. So I'm OBVIOUSLY not Christian, but I've never seen "Yentl" so I'm not Jewish. Nix on "Rosemary's Baby" so, I'm not Satanistic thank God(?). Not once have I partaken in a John Wayne film, so I'm not a cowboy (big surprise). I've survived without sitting through ANY of the Godfather movies. There goes my idea that I was Italian.

Here's the one that always gets people riled up. I've never seen "It's a Wonderful Life". For some reason, people of all ages go nuts if I mention that. There are just some things that I believe I can live without, and still feel validated in this life. I know the story, I know the angel got his wings, and I'd like to keep Donna Reed as a TV sitcom memory, thank you.

I guess I'm a hypocrite though. This Christmas I was at my parents, and TNT was having their "24 Hours of A Christmas Story". I was happy. This is by far the best holiday film out there. Yes, even better than "Ernest Saves Christmas". I yelled to my Mother that it was on, and got back "What's that about?". Knowing damn well the woman knew what I meant, I said "You know...it's the one with Ralphie, and the leg lamp, and You'll shoot your eye out!" That one. "No dear, I don't know that one". Well get in here, you HAVE to see this.... Be well... -JOHN-


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